I know this to be true because my teenage daughter has told me so many times. Nevertheless, here are my favorite jazz jokes.
How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb? One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it. What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower? Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles. You can tune a lawnmower 3. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it. How do you put down a tenor saxophone?
Confuse it with a bass clarinet. The machine gun repeats only 10 times per second. What is the difference between a saxophone and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline. How do you define a perfect pitch? Throwing an alto sax in a toilet from 20 feet without hitting the rim. You have to plug in the vacuum cleaner before it sucks. Why did the lead alto sax player play so many wrong notes? He kept ignoring the key signature. He thought it was a suggestion.
How many C Melody sax players can you fit in a phone booth? If lost in the woods, whom would you ask for directions? The out-of-tune tenor sax player. What's the difference between a saxophone and a chain saw? When should a saxophonist change his reed?
Whenever a difficult section comes up in the music score. You may be a redneck saxophonist if…. You have an old bass sax up on blocks in your front yard.
You think the bell of your instrument is a great place to hold a longneck during a gig. The gun rack in your pickup truck holds a couple of old Buescher sopranos. You think that Boots Randolph is the greatest Jazz musician who ever lived. How do you tune five saxophones? How are a saxophone and guillotine similar? They are both lethal, always sharp, and work best when dropped from high places. What do a saxophone and a baseball bat have in common?
People cheer when you hit them with a bat. Why did Adolphe Sax invent the saxophone? Is the saxophone a woodwind or brass instrument? The reason why so many weird noises come out of the saxophone is because Adolphe Sax never issued any instructions on how to use them. Contrary to popular believe the saxophone was invented as a percussion instrument meant to be beaten by hammers… very large hammers. What do you call a thousand saxophones at the bottom of the ocean?
How many tenor sax players does it take to change a flat tire? Four — one to change the tire; one to work the jack; and the other two to contemplate on how John Coltrane would have done it. One is loud, obnoxious and noisy, the other is a bird. A saxophone is like a lawsuit. Everyone is happy when the case is closed. Small wonder we have so much trouble with air pollution in the world when so much of it has passed through saxophones.
Trumpet Jokes How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? One to handle the bulb and four to tell him how much better they could have done it. None, because the world revolves around them! One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how Louis Armstrong would have done it.
Never mind — They can fake the changes. They just complain about the darkness until a trombone player changes it for them. What's the difference between a Trumpet player and the rear end of a horse? I don't know either. What are trumpets made out of? What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money. How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
Seven, if you lay them out correctly. How can you tell if a trumpet player is knocking at your door? The knock speeds up. Four trumpet players are in a mini-van when it drives off a cliff. The tragedy is that you can fit eight trumpet players in a mini-van.
Why do you always stand by the window when I practice my trumpet? Eventually the puppy stops whining. How do you get a trumpet player to play fff?
Write mp on the chart. What is the first thing a trumpet player says at work? What do you call a lead trumpet player with half a brain? Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the trumpet player. What would a trumpet player do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out. How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other? I'm better than you. What do you do when a trumpet player knocks at your door? Give him the money and take the pizza. Why can't a gorilla play trumpet?
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How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb? One to change the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would have done it.
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